I have been gay for Netflix for over two years now.
In that two years I have been unabashedly happy. I love spending time with Netflix. I love watching old movies with Netflix. Oh the laughs we’ve had together.
I would always tell people how great Netflix treated me, and what a gentleman Netflix was. It was embarrassing, I was gushing. Netflix was perfect. If I ever did have a problem, which almost never happened, I wouldn’t even have to bring it up. Netflix would just email me, “Hey Buddy, how was that episode of 30 Rock? Picture quality okay? Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” Oh, Netflix, the episode and picture quality was phenomenal thanks for asking. Want to hang out later?
Netflix always had time for me—unlike my real girlfriend Sheila, who never seems to have time for Kevin (Admittedly, she broke up with me five years ago, but still, we never do stuff anymore). And Netflix always wanted to do what I wanted to do (unlike my stupid ex-girlfriend Sheila, who always did what she wanted, like marry that guy Ted. Ted the guy who wears jeans and doesn’t “smell like a farty asshole”. So what, Ted doesn’t fart? His shit literally doesn’t stink, huh? Huh, Sheila? Huh?!?)
So everything was going great with me and Netflix then boom! they ask me for $16.00 a month to keep our relationship going. I feel so used. Sure, we’ve always had a sort of understanding. I pay Netflix $9.99 and we watch movies and TV together and share secrets and exchange e-mails and send each other DVDs. And it was great. Why can't things just stay the same forever, you know?
This increase in price makes me feel like Netflix is taking advantage of me (Just like Sheila used to take advantage of every other guy’s working penis. Oh, I guess I’m the only guy in the world who needs to have a penis pep-talk before having sex. I guess Ted can just get boners on command. Well good for Ted!).
It’s not just that Netflix increased my monthly bill, it’s how drastic that increase was. A 60% increase. By my math, that’s more than half. You can’t expect me to give you more than one and half of what I agreed to give you when we started this relationship. I was in it 100% now you want more than 150% and that’s just impossible. (Just like Sheila can’t expect me to stay more than 150 feet from her house at all times. Like it’s my fault her street is where I do my power walking. I have NO CONTROL OF THAT, SHEILA!)
To make a long story longer, let’s just say I’ll probably give in to Netflix’s demands because I am so totally in gay love with them. And if America has taught me anything it’s that gay love lasts forever and is in every way stronger and better than regular love. (You hear that Sheila!?! You and your husband will never last cause you don’t have gay love! So fuck you, I miss you!)
Friday, August 12, 2011 at 10:52AM 
